Walking (With) Contradictions
I am a walking contradiction.
Last night while I was smoking my first cigarette for the day, I realized that I had so much contradiction in me to fill the entire planet. Like a teenage kid with an identity crisis, I deal with the contradictions in my everyday existence. I feel like I need to dispose of these, so here I am writing about it.
Contradictions are detrimental to one’s emotional and mental health. They prevent you from realizing your full potentials, and hinder you from becoming the best you can be. Contradictions, however, are a good thing too. They give you a clear idea of what you need to work on in your life. Similar to failures and setbacks, contradictions have both positive and negative effects on a person’s life. As for me, I still have a long way to go to determine whether or not the contradictions in my life affect me positively or negatively.
I am an environmentalist at heart, but I smoke. I have always advocated caring for the environment, I even planned on becoming an environmental lawyer, but right now, I can’t seem to quit smoking. I know why I started smoking, which was early last year, and I regret having done so. I have realized earlier on, that with every cigarette I finish, I am contradicting my heart’s belief. My body, however, has already conditioned itself to tar and nicotine. I know I would need a lot of strength to quit smoking, and I am working on it. Oh, by the way, my college thesis proposal that I painstakingly researched on and wrote was on Ecological Modernization in Developing Countries and how it is manifested in legislations. To adapt it more to the Philippine setting, I chose the Clean Air Act as a primary example. Go figure.
I am a vegetarian, but I love junk foods. As a vegetarian, I do not eat any type of animal meat, or any food that has animal content, except dairy. I used to be very strict when it comes to what I eat; heck, I even had a phase when I counted every single calorie I consumed! Right now I can’t restrain myself from eating terrible junk foods that contribute to awful weight gain. When I was still a vegan, ice cream, cheese flavored chips, chocolates and candies, and all foods with dairy were a no-no. Since I’ve reverted to being vegetarian, however, I can’t seem to stop craving for junk foods. Oh well.
I am jobless, but I turn down job offers. I am desperately in need of a new job, not just for financial satisfaction but for mental as well, but I don’t push through most applications and job offers. I know beggars can’t be choosy, but I can’t seem to force myself to accept jobs that are not 99.98 percent related to my dream job. Idealist much, or just plain arrogant? But my gawd, you have no idea what I’d do just to get my (almost) dream job. Maybe I should just go back to school, hmm?
I want to become a social service volunteer, but I wouldn’t think twice in becoming a corporate whore. It may not seem like it, but I actually want to become UN’s or other non-profit organizations’ volunteer in remote and far-flung places in Africa, Latin America, and Asia. BUT, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if you offer me an insane amount of money to work for your multi-billion peso, dollar, pound, euro company. Greedy or giving? I know, I know, I should make up my mind.
I have so much more petty and serious contradictions that fill my life with irony and absurdity. I wouldn’t list it all down anymore as it will take up too much of your time, and my time—as if I didn’t have too much time to kill.
She’s Got Bette Davis Eyes ;)
I LOVE trance music. I live and breathe trance music. But please don’t be a surprised to know that dancing makes me happy, more than drugs can. With trance music, I can dance like there’s no tomorrow; and amazingly, when I can’t fall asleep I listen to trance music.
I may have great love for trance music, but I also listen to other musical genres. Last Saturday, it was retro music time. Haha.
It started with Rihanna’s Don’t Stop the Music video. I don’t know what it is with this song, but my boyfriend seems to be highly fixated on it as of the moment. He downloaded it to his PSP and plays it every other hour. I watched the video and was disappointed that Rihanna did little dancing. To satisfy my thirst for dancing videos, I then searched for the video of Cassie’s Me and U. I like Cassie for her looks and her dancing style. After Cassie, I wanted to see more booty shaking so I searched for old J.Lo videos. I almost forgot about J.Lo’s I’m Glad video, had it not been for Youtube. I wasn’t as crazy for the song as I was for the movie scenes J.Lo parodied in her video, though. It was Flashdance, for crying out loud.
Flashdance has got to be one of the best cult movies of all time! Jennifer Beals CAN dance, and she became iconic for it. I can’t help but feel all giddy when I hear the song Flashdance… What a Feeling. Hahaha. And oh, who can forget Dirty Dancing? I remember loving the song I’ve Had the Time of My Life when I was young. Hee. Of course, you have to throw in Saturday Night Fever too! John Travolta was so great in that movie. Staying Alive, yee.
And then there’s Kim Carnes’ Bette Davis Eyes. It’s not in any movie, if I’m not mistaken, but who can forget Kim Carnes’ husky voice or the infectious guitar riff and drum beat of the song? Definitely not me. There’s this awesomely dance-able house track which samples Bette Davis Eyes. It’s done by Mylo, and it’s called In Your Arms. Click on the play button below to listen to the song. 
Lovely track, isn’t it? I’ll leave you with another house-remixed old track by DJ Sammy. Guess the title of the track. Clue: it is actually a remix of an Annie Lenox original. Have fun. 
Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish, and Short
Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short—these are the words that keep replaying in my mind as of the moment. Sorry for being blunt about it, but if you are smart enough, you will know that these five words, as they are arranged exactly, comes from Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. Yes, it may not seem like it, but I am (or was) an intellectual. And again, I am sorry for being blunt about it.
The reason why I am saying all this is that I feel inadequate. My life is somewhat similar to how Hobbes had pictured life would be like in a state of nature—solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. I have yet to see about the ’short’ part, but what I do know is that I definitely want to live longer. Anyway, after almost four and a half centuries, Hobbes couldn’t have been more right—in my case, that is.
Solitary. I feel alone, confined, friendless, isolated, lonely, and unaccompanied. I have a boyfriend who loves me beyond words, a family I know I can always rely on, and friends I can go crazy with, but I still feel very much solitary. There is something missing in my life, and I have yet to find out what it is. Although I am not even 23, I feel so old and alone already.
Poor. I am currently still unemployed, and yes, I am aware that I have mentioned this a million times before. Unemployed for me is equal to poor, as I am currently not earning money to spend and squander on shoes, alcohol, bills, domestic duties, and the pursuit of happiness. I’d trade anything right now to be filthy rich than filthy poor. Okay, that’s exaggerating, but I do hope you can imagine how I am having a difficult time financially. Oh, how true is it that money CAN buy you happiness?
Nasty. I noticed that lately, I am always in a foul mood. I’m finding it hard to control my temper—most times, I feel angry although I don’t really know why. I am also grumpy, irritable, and grouchy most days in a week, unless I woke up to a good news, or to my boyfriend’s voice. I have yet to to figure out if this nastiness is related to an empty stomach (due to an extreme drive to get thinner); an empty pocket (reason already mentioned); or any empty brain (due to lack of anything productive to do). I’m guessing it’s all of the above.
Brutish. I have always wanted to describe myself as kind, compassionate, and considerate. I have never been the type to engage in petty fights, useless dissing, and rude conversations; unless of course I am defending myself or fighting for my rights. Lately though, I have this unsettling drive to get back on people who wronged me in the past. I know that it’s not the best thing to do; but hey, when you’re bored like me you’ll think about it too. I still have to figure out how to get rid of this (maybe a new job will help, yes?).
If Hobbes were alive today, he would have hated me for using his famous phrase in such a disgraceful manner. Or maybe not. In any case, I still thank him for providing inspiration to write this post, which is better than sulking in a corner or smoking a stale menthol cigarette.
