This Could Be Quarter Life Crisis
I’ve been wandering aimlessly for quite some time now. Drifting from place to place, clique to clique, job to job, dream to dream. If you ask me now what I would like to be someday, I can give you an answer right away. But ask me how I see myself in a few years’ time, I would have a hard time, possibly a long time, before I give you a lousy answer.
I am half-optimist, half-pessimist: I look into the future with both fear and excitement. Right now, however, I’m having a hard time looking at the future with a positive outlook. Everything seems vague, bleak, undefinable, unattainable. About a month ago, I took an exam in Cebu that could change my career path. To tell you honestly, I felt unprepared. I was pre-occupied with the primary reason we went there: my boyfriend’s birthday. I remember I was more excited to check out the club near the place we were staying at than wake up early for my exam the following morning. Of course, I didn’t party but I still slept late. I reached the examination place early (it was 10 minutes away), but had to go back because I left my IDs and pencils. Talk about knowing my priorities.
More than a week ago, I celebrated my 24th birthday by partying with friends and burning money on alcohol. I could have done much more with the money I’ve spent on damn expensive bar drinks, but I can’t really complain for the happy memories I’ve shared with my friends. Of course, there’s nothing really wrong with having crazy fun, but at 24, I am a bit exhausted. At this age, I should have set my priorities straight, followed-through on my life-long plans, and work on becoming a better person—not just for myself, but for the people around me as well. I know I’ve been saying this for quite some time now, to the point that I’m repeating myself, but I have yet to really work on it.
Last Sunday, I was about to sleep after a long night of hanging out with some friends, when I couldn’t resist asking my boyfriend, who was more than ready to sleep, a very simple yet powerful question: do you love me? Of course I know the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it. Something quite unexplainable just tugs at my heart every time I hear him say those magic words with utmost honesty. That night, however, I asked him because I was bothered by the end of a lovely relationship his best friend had with a girl we had grown to treasure. Apparently, his best friend has grown tired of this girl and dumped her for another girl just like that. What’s worse, he’s been seeing the other girl before he even broke up with her. Some people never learn to be content, look at the bigger picture, and make things work while hoping to be better. It scared me for a while to realize that it could happen to us too,with all the fights we’ve had concerning (rather bland and insipid) third parties. Pessimistic yes, and after two years, it still scares me.
But it’s not just about love and relationships. At 24 and less than a quarter of my life plans realized, I have every reason to be pessimistic. When I entered adulthood, I thought things would be so much simpler: I’d be earning my own money and spending it as I please, my parents would stop constantly watching my back, and I’d be able to do things the way I want to. I like who I am right now, but I can’t deny that I feel a growing disappointment take over my (half) optimism. I’m tired of waiting for things to happen, but I don’t want to rush because I don’t know where I’m going next. I’m more than ready to give up the luxuries afforded the youth, but I can’t seem to start fully taking responsibility for my actions. I still somehow feel lost, more than I would like to acknowledge.
This could be quarter life crisis. I just hope it’s only as fleeting as my pre-breakfast mood.
It’s My Birthday, Yeah
I haven’t posted anything here for the longest time, so might as well start posting again with a bang. And yes, you read the title right: today, June 1st, is my birthday.
I don’t really enjoy celebrating birthdays. For me, it’s enough I remember it, be thankful I’m still alive, and be with people closest to me. I’ve had fond memories of celebrating my birthdays when I was younger, but as I grew up, I left behind the fascination with fairy-tale themed parties. Like a kid who lost faith in Santa, I favored the practicality of not celebrating. I’d rather do something intimate, or buy something really useful for myself than blow it all out for a party that everyone who attended will be too drunk to remember.
Surprisingly though, just when I thought I’ve started to mellow down, I opted to party for my 24th birthday. I originally wished to do an outreach at an orphanage, but I wasn’t able to plan it well due to changes that are inevitable in this dog-eat-dog world. To make the story short, I partied for two nights with different sets of friends and treated everyone to dinner. Didn’t go exactly as I’ve hoped (family dinner still pending for next week), but this has been one of my happiest birthdays as a grown-up, 24 years in the making.
In all honesty, I don’t know why I’ve spent a lot (and apparently will continue to do so til Tuesday), just to celebrate an additional year of my existence (and probably new wrinkles and other signs of aging, though I won’t complain for wisdom, thank you). I just know that I want to celebrate, not because I want to please everyone, show off, or prove something to someone, but because I am thankful for everything that has been given me the past year. I have gone through a lot last year with my family and friends, and it’s time I show my gratefulness in the way I know how. So yeah, it’s my birthday.
Happy birthday, self. 
