Hot Pink Coconut

This Could Be Quarter Life Crisis

I’ve been wandering aimlessly for quite some time now. Drifting from place to place, clique to clique, job to job, dream to dream. If you ask me now what I would like to be someday, I can give you an answer right away. But ask me how I see myself in a few years’ time, I would have a hard time, possibly a long time, before I give you a lousy answer.

I am half-optimist, half-pessimist: I look into the future with both fear and excitement. Right now, however, I’m having a hard time looking at the future with a positive outlook. Everything seems vague, bleak, undefinable, unattainable. About a month ago, I took an exam in Cebu that could change my career path. To tell you honestly, I felt unprepared. I was pre-occupied with the primary reason we went there: my boyfriend’s birthday. I remember I was more excited to check out the club near the place we were staying at than wake up early for my exam the following  morning. Of course, I didn’t party but I still slept late. I reached the examination place early (it was 10 minutes away), but had to go back because I left my IDs and pencils. Talk about knowing my priorities.

More than a week ago, I celebrated my 24th birthday by partying with friends and burning money on alcohol. I could have done much more with the money I’ve spent on damn expensive bar drinks, but I can’t really complain for the happy memories I’ve shared with my friends. Of course, there’s nothing really wrong with having crazy fun, but at 24, I am a bit exhausted. At this age, I should have set my priorities straight, followed-through on my life-long plans, and work on becoming a better person—not just for myself, but for the people around me as well. I know I’ve been saying this for quite some time now, to the point that I’m repeating myself, but I have yet to really work on it.

Last Sunday, I was about to sleep after a long night of hanging out with some friends, when I couldn’t resist asking my boyfriend, who was more than ready to sleep, a very simple yet powerful question: do you love me? Of course I know the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it. Something quite unexplainable just tugs at my heart every time I hear him say those magic words with utmost honesty. That night, however, I asked him because I was bothered by the end of a lovely relationship his best friend had with a girl we had grown to treasure. Apparently, his best friend has grown tired of this girl and dumped her for another girl just like that. What’s worse, he’s been seeing the other girl before he even broke up with her. Some people never learn to be content, look at the bigger picture, and make things work while hoping to be better. It scared me for a while to realize that it could happen to us too,with all the fights we’ve had concerning (rather bland and insipid) third parties. Pessimistic yes, and after two years, it still scares me.

But it’s not just about love and relationships. At 24 and less than a quarter of my life plans realized, I have every reason to be pessimistic. When I entered adulthood, I thought things would be so much simpler: I’d be earning my own money and spending it as I please, my parents would stop constantly watching my back, and I’d be able to do things the way I want to. I like who I am right now, but I can’t deny that I feel a growing disappointment take over my (half) optimism. I’m tired of waiting for things to happen, but I don’t want to rush because I don’t know where I’m going next. I’m more than ready to give up the luxuries afforded the youth, but I can’t seem to start fully taking responsibility for my actions. I still somehow feel lost, more than I would like to acknowledge.

This could be quarter life crisis. I just hope it’s only as fleeting as my pre-breakfast mood.