Untitled, For Now
I’ve been thinking and feeling a lot lately. I want to write down everything in my mind, but my thoughts run continuously around my head the same way I seem to aimlessly go through my current career path. I want to articulate every single emotion I feel, but they are as complicated as my beloved country’s (and also, the world’s) current weather conditions.
Right now, my fingers type what my conscious tells it to. I hear a neighbor shout something unintelligible then his dog bark, and it irks me a bit. I feel my boyfriend shift in bed then hear his heavy breathing, and I smile contentedly to myself. I listen to the soft patter of rain outside then thought of the super typhoon and my family in another city. I remember an upcoming event I am so looking forward to attending, and I get excited. I briefly consider the prospect of traveling (in the distant future) to a lovely destination and I feel happier. All these in the forefront, but at the back of my mind, it is an entirely different situation.
It’s an hour and a half past one, but I still can’t seem to force my eyes to close. Yesterday night, I was feeling anxious for reasons that I can’t discern. It could be from lack of sleep, from emotional stress due to the typhoon, from the pressure of societal duties and responsibilities, or from unbelievably petty matters that have gotten into my nerves. Tonight, I am no better, albeit I am more calm.
I am not bothered, however, by my sense of aimlessness right now—in fact, I savor every moment of it. I have questioned my goals, purpose, and existence for so long, it’s time I give it a temporary rest. Why shouldn’t I smile without having to feel a bit guilty (because I know, somehow, I made someone unhappy)? Why shouldn’t I take on daily setbacks and failures with my bravest face and without the slightest feeling of shame? Why shouldn’t I say out loud that I don’t care because I really am uninterested, without the fear of being shunned?
Lately, I’ve been living each day with no other purpose but to be alive and thankful. I go to bed the latest I can and wake up early to get ready for work. I eat my breakfast for lunch or my lunch for breakfast (and sometimes I eat none). I put on my favorite pair of shoes, smile, feel confident, and walk tall. I put more creamer than coffee in all my cups and never fail to appreciate its creamy goodness (never mind the extra fat). Doing all these feels liberating.
I know it’s my conscious telling me to live with, think, and feel all these. In the back of my mind, there will be that tiny guilt, that slight shame, and that lingering fear—but I don’t care. Yes, it’s confusing, so I’ll leave it untitled, for now.
