Untitled, For Now
I’ve been thinking and feeling a lot lately. I want to write down everything in my mind, but my thoughts run continuously around my head the same way I seem to aimlessly go through my current career path. I want to articulate every single emotion I feel, but they are as complicated as my beloved country’s (and also, the world’s) current weather conditions.
Right now, my fingers type what my conscious tells it to. I hear a neighbor shout something unintelligible then his dog bark, and it irks me a bit. I feel my boyfriend shift in bed then his heavy breath, and I smile contentedly to myself. I listen to the soft patter of rain outside then thought of the super typhoon and my family in another city. I remember an upcoming event I am so looking forward to attending, and I get excited. I briefly consider the prospect of traveling (in the distant future) to a lovely destination and I feel happier. All these in the forefront, but at the back of my mind, it is an entirely different situation.
It’s an hour and a half past one, but I still can’t seem to force my eyes to close. Yesterday night, I was feeling anxious for reasons even I don’t know. It could be from lack of sleep, from emotional stress due to the typhoon, from the pressure of societal duties and responsibilities, or from unbelievably petty matters that have gotten into my nerves. Tonight, I am no better, albeit I am more calm.
I am not bothered, however, by my sense of aimlessness right now—in fact, I savor every moment of it. I have questioned my goals, purpose, and existence for so long, it’s time I give it a temporary rest. Why shouldn’t I smile without having to feel a bit guilty (because I know, somehow, I made someone unhappy)? Why shouldn’t I take on daily setbacks and failures with my bravest face and without the slightest feeling of shame? Why shouldn’t I say out loud that I don’t care because I really am uninterested, without the fear of being shunned?
Lately, I’ve been living each day with no other purpose but to be alive and thankful. I go to bed the latest I can and wake up early to get ready for work. I eat my breakfast for lunch or my lunch for breakfast (and sometimes I eat none). I put on my favorite pair of shoes, smile, feel confident, and walk tall. I put more creamer than coffee in all my cups and never fail to appreciate its creamy goodness (never mind the extra fat). Doing all these feels liberating.
I know it’s my conscious telling me to live with, think, and feel all these. In the back of my mind, there will be that tiny guilt, that slight shame, and that lingering fear—but I don’t care. Yes, it’s confusing, so I’ll leave it untitled, for now.
It’s July and We’re Still Kicking
Yes! It’s the first day of July, which means we are MORE than halfway through the year. Time really flies by fast without you knowing it, noh? It flies by even faster when you are having fun, and I certainly am having fun. I last posted a blog about a month ago, and quite a few things have changed since then. I have a lot to share but I really couldn’t think of which and where to start sharing. So share is what I’ll try to do before I change my mind and dismiss this entry as draft. Heh.
I’ll start with my job. I’m a few days shy of celebrating my second month here. Within those two short months, I’ve organized and attended quite a handful of events with my team (go Mean Team!), met a lot of nice new people (yosi group!), and learned a lot of things. Less than two weeks from now, I’ll be spending a few days with my office mates basking under the wonderful sun in Coron, Palawan for a late summer outing. This means I have a little more time to lose weight so it won’t be too embarrassing to let them see me wear bikini for the first time. Haha.
My future career will have to wait some more months, though. As expected, I didn’t pass the exam (yet), but I’m not losing hope. I still have time to work on it. What I really need to do now is prepare myself mentally by enrolling in a Masters program, which I’m working on (by saving up that is, haha). Oh, I should also most definitely start setting my priorities straight, like what I’ve mentioned in my previous post. I’m kind of getting tired of all the issues brought about by this so-called quarter-life crisis.
As for my love life, I am having a blast with my boyfriend. We’ve gone through a major fight just recently, but I’m actually (gasp!) thankful because it strengthened our relationship even more. I know things won’t be the same again, but that’s how we learn to grow and move on, right? Now, that’s something to be thankful for. 
Another thing I should be thankful for is my relationship with my family. Surprisingly, we are all getting along quite well. I admit I was jealous of my brother at first as he gets to be sent to Law school without actually getting a job, but I realized, sibling rivalry is so boring and petty. What I’m saying is, no more drama and all that growing up shit. I know, I should be totally over those things (at my age), but with a family like mine, drama is inevitable. Or maybe it’s all just my drama, hmm?
To sum up, this half-year hasn’t really gone the way I wanted (or planned) it to, but that’s what life’s about, right? Who would want a life that all goes as planned? Well, definitely not me. Maybe reach my goals and dreams, yes, and experience some failures and setbacks along the way. Because, hell, how else would I appreciate how sweet victory is?
This Could Be Quarter Life Crisis
I’ve been wandering aimlessly for quite some time now. Drifting from place to place, clique to clique, job to job, dream to dream. If you ask me now what I would like to be someday, I can give you an answer right away. But ask me how I see myself in a few years’ time, I would have a hard time, possibly a long time, before I give you a lousy answer.
I am half-optimist, half-pessimist: I look into the future with both fear and excitement. Right now, however, I’m having a hard time looking at the future with a positive outlook. Everything seems vague, bleak, undefinable, unattainable. About a month ago, I took an exam in Cebu that could change my career path. To tell you honestly, I felt unprepared. I was pre-occupied with the primary reason we went there: my boyfriend’s birthday. I remember I was more excited to check out the club near the place we were staying at than wake up early for my exam the following morning. Of course, I didn’t party but I still slept late. I reached the examination place early (it was 10 minutes away), but had to go back because I left my IDs and pencils. Talk about knowing my priorities.
More than a week ago, I celebrated my 24th birthday by partying with friends and burning money on alcohol. I could have done much more with the money I’ve spent on damn expensive bar drinks, but I can’t really complain for the happy memories I’ve shared with my friends. Of course, there’s nothing really wrong with having crazy fun, but at 24, I am a bit exhausted. At this age, I should have set my priorities straight, followed-through on my life-long plans, and work on becoming a better person—not just for myself, but for the people around me as well. I know I’ve been saying this for quite some time now, to the point that I’m repeating myself, but I have yet to really work on it.
Last Sunday, I was about to sleep after a long night of hanging out with some friends, when I couldn’t resist asking my boyfriend, who was more than ready to sleep, a very simple yet powerful question: do you love me? Of course I know the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it. Something quite unexplainable just tugs at my heart every time I hear him say those magic words with utmost honesty. That night, however, I asked him because I was bothered by the end of a lovely relationship his best friend had with a girl we had grown to treasure. Apparently, his best friend has grown tired of this girl and dumped her for another girl just like that. What’s worse, he’s been seeing the other girl before he even broke up with her. Some people never learn to be content, look at the bigger picture, and make things work while hoping to be better. It scared me for a while to realize that it could happen to us too,with all the fights we’ve had concerning (rather bland and insipid) third parties. Pessimistic yes, and after two years, it still scares me.
But it’s not just about love and relationships. At 24 and less than a quarter of my life plans realized, I have every reason to be pessimistic. When I entered adulthood, I thought things would be so much simpler: I’d be earning my own money and spending it as I please, my parents would stop constantly watching my back, and I’d be able to do things the way I want to. I like who I am right now, but I can’t deny that I feel a growing disappointment take over my (half) optimism. I’m tired of waiting for things to happen, but I don’t want to rush because I don’t know where I’m going next. I’m more than ready to give up the luxuries afforded the youth, but I can’t seem to start fully taking responsibility for my actions. I still somehow feel lost, more than I would like to acknowledge.
This could be quarter life crisis. I just hope it’s only as fleeting as my pre-breakfast mood.
